Summer of opposites

 This summer has been a torrent of opposites. Colour and monotone, peace and insanity, harmony and dissonance, hope and despair, sickness and wellness, relief and panic, simplicity and complexity beyond what my brain can fathom. 

I would like to paint a picture of what happened in the last 12 hours. 

At 8:30, it was time for bed for little pickles. I cannot accurately explain to you the effort that this pickle threw into trying to trying to avoid going to sleep. She did handstands on her bed. Then she flopped around while lying there. Then, she needed milk, then water, then a wee wee. Then she threw her arms around me, then threw them off and threw her legs around me, then threw them off. Then went into her room, then got "scared" within 7 seconds of being in there (really doesn't bode well for trying to get her into her own bed...for literally the millionth time in the past year and a half) then did a bunch of other yoga moves, then started hitting me, almost by accident. I think she has some sort of energy that she just can't get rid of, and she doesn't know what the hell to do with it when it's bed time. 

Funny thing about that (side bar) is that during the day, we did yoga, we went on a bike ride, we went to the playground, we went swimming, and we went running up and down the halls before bed. It's not like she didn't have enough exercise! She is non bloody stop. 

So she finally fell asleep after having a HUGE cry (she's been doing these lately, where she just cries and cries as if her little heart will break) while I cuddled her as if I would never let her go, and then this morning she woke up with a smile on her face. Immediately upon waking up, she asked to watch TV which she normally does, to which I always say "not in the morning sweetie". But today, I needed to get some work done, so I said she could watch some Cosmic yoga - which we LOVE - if she followed along. She sat and just watched it, but didn't do any of the moves. After it had finished, she said she wanted to watch another one, and I said, no because you didn't do the moves. It's not for watching, it's for exercising your muscles, and making you strong, while having fun. It's not just for sitting there and watching it. 

At this point, she started screaming at me. I honestly, literally mean screaming. Tears streamed down her face as she screamed at me "OKAY FINE!!!! I WILL DO THE MOVES!!!!!!" at which point, of course, I declined to reward this behaviour with what she wanted. I said she needed to calm down and then ask me again. She screamed at me again, admittedly a little less loudly "I WILL DO THE MOVES!" FINE!!!!!!" and started hitting me with her blanket, which she adores, and cannot go anywhere without. The consequences to hitting me, or anybody, or kicking, or hurting in any way, is that I remove her blanket. She is fully aware of this. I removed her blanket. This kicked her into overdrive, and she started whirling around like some kind of demonic spirit, screaming "I want duggee! I want duggee!" (duggee is the name she has given her ancient, disgusting, had-it-from-birth, raggedly old blanket). The consequences for screaming "I WANT TV!!!!" at me while hitting me, are that she does not watch TV. Possibly ever again, after this morning. 

At this exact moment, my husband walked in, and took her out of the room because I said to her "Go away. I don't want you in here right now." She hates that, but I really felt like if she had stayed in the room I would have lost it on her. I was coiled tight and very close to snapping. He put her in her bed to calm down, and I went on a run and my husband took her on a bike ride. 

I am now sitting here by myself ("by my own" as my little pickle calls it) surrounded by the tall golden green trees in my garden, listening to the gentle lullaby of the fountain in my pond, being serenaded from time to time with birdsong, and writing this. 

So, opposites. 

My puzzlement is this: I have followed all the gentle parenting advice. I have researched it all, and have really tried to take what rings true for me and my experience and knowledge of children, and apply it to my own custom made style of parenting. I am very attuned to her emotions, her needs, her anxieties and what makes her happy and what helps her to develop into the best human she can be. I have tried so hard to make her life a happy and fulfilled life, and I have done it all consistently. I don't know why she is behaving like this now. It makes my heart so sad and it makes me feel so helpless. Is she spoiled?

We limit TV to only evenings generally, unless it is exercise programs like Danny Go or Cosmic Yoga. We give her so much exercise. We spend nearly all our time with her. She has an utterly amazing life. I sometimes go onto facebook and ask questions anonymously about how to deal with this or that, generally it's about sleeping. Maybe once or twice a year I ask the mums groups there. They always give me advice, and I always end up feeling like I am doing this wrong or that wrong, because when so much advice is hurled your way, you end up feeling that you have been doing it all wrong the whole time. Have I have given her TOO much TV, or not ENOUGH TV, or too much attention, (I KNOW that I haven't given her too little attention) or I play the wrong things with her, or I have sent her to the wrong daycare, or I have not given her enough playdates....the list is endless. I feel like I have spectacularly failed in so many ways. 

I do feel like last night, we didn't really follow the routine of: bath and story before bed. It was just "brush your teeth, and it's bed time". So maybe that didn't help. I don't really know, and I am feeling really lost. 

Anyway, that's the beginning of my day. 

Thanks for reading x