FINALLY KINDY

First day of Kindergarten. 

My little girl is absolutely loving it. It's as if all the problems, all the fights, all the horrible bits of her, have somewhat dissolved. The many, many, MANY things that I had feared, that have run us ragged, that have turned me (back) into an alcoholic, that threatened to destroy my soul and my relationship with my husband, these all seem just to have drifted away somehow. Maybe on the morning mists, maybe on the evening sunset. I am dealing with a very different person. It's not linear, it's not black and white. But, something has changed. Something has shifted. And I feel like I am starting to be able to become my own person again. A person who has healthy amounts of time to do things like this. To exercise. To work. To prepare my work. To think. To sleep. 

My nervous system is starting to begin to return to normal again. I feel more whole. More reasonable. More like a grown up. More like the person I was born to be. A mother, and a teacher. A wife and a daughter. A creator and a friend. I feel more grounded and settled. I feel like I could get used to this. I feel....categorically....better.

Tomorrow, or even this afternoon, may present challenges and problems that I can't face, or I feel unable to handle. But right now, in this moment, I feel like I am blessed beyond belief. 

Of course, I am sure it has something to do with the fact that my parents have taken her to the playground and I am writing, instead of working, which is what I should be doing. But...having the luxury to write? Having the luxury to think about what I am going to do in this time, that is priceless.

I wonder if, just like the baby stage, which I can only remember fondly, I wonder if this is the same. In 5 years, I'll just forget all the absolute f-ing trauma I feel we have both been through for the past 3 years with her. Getting worse and worse until I absolutely could not handle it anymore. I wonder.

Thanks for reading x