Sober October ... or sleepless in October

I toyed with the idea of writing this as a new blog. But then I thought, no. This is all part of it. 

So...I'm doing sober October. Or Stop-tober. Or whatever you want to call it. Mock-tober? (as in, mocktail - tober?) Whether I finish it or not, whether I get through the next week or not, or whether I never drink again (preferable), I am quite proud of myself, because I am on day 6 tonight. I am not proud that I am on day 6. I am proud that I am on day 6 after two of the most stressful nights of my life. 

Last week my little pickle, newly 4 years old, decided that she was just not going to have a poo for 48 hours. I won't go into details, but my God. I went almost out of my mind with the worry of it. You can't force 'em to eat, and you can't force 'em to have a poo. She held it and held it and held it. I was having visions of her body poisoning itself, although my husband kept sagely (though not entirely helpfully) saying "Noone ever died from not having a poo!" although, I'm pretty sure someone did. Once. Probably. I refuse to google that. 

I called the doctor. I called the nurse. I called the Lady with the Alligator Purse. Mumps! said the doctor. Measles! said the nurse. Chickenpox! said the Lady with the Alligator Purse.

Sorry. Moment of madness. Isn't it rather fitting, I just realised, that the acronym for Moment of Madness is MOM.

I did want to drink then. At the point where I was curled over in a heap after a very long evening, a ball of stress, a puddle of anxiety, a whirlwind of worry. I wanted to drink so badly. I wanted to say, as I always do when I'm trying to stop drinking "Oh well, I tried. I will drink tonight but I'll try again when things aren't so stressful." What I am realising is, things are ALWAYS this stressful. There will NEVER be a good time to stop drinking. There are a few days here and there that aren't, but there is never a stretch of time, as you know, that having a toddler isn't riddled with exhausting, stress-laden, flippin hard times.

This is day 11. I am feeling good, last night Pickle pooed, ate and slept, which meant that we slept. Thank the Lord. Because yesterday, I tellya, I was ready to go and sleep at a hotel just so I could get a few hours of rest. 

Day 11. A third of the way through a month. Almost half time. I feel good. I feel okay. I got through those awful nights when I couldn't think of how I would get through the night without a drink. 

Day 12. I have never, ever, ever ever ever wanted a drink so badly in all my life. Last night I did not sleep. Pickle was up all night and I was up with her, she screamed and cried so badly that I thought we were going to have the police knocking at our door. Because I wouldn't let her sleep with me in my bed. Because we've done that so many times and each time I lie awake while she kicks and wiggles and punches me in the face as she sleeps soundly. I can't do it anymore. So we have a bed for her in our room, but she even is refusing to sleep in that. Eventually I took her into HER room and slept in her bed, so at least she wouldn't be keeping both myself and my husband awake. Even that wasn't acceptable. She started screaming so hard that I couldn't understand what she was saying for 10 minutes, and finally I realised she was telling me that she had a stuffy nose, and that in fact, it was, apparently, my fault, and I needed to get her a wet flannel immediately and wipe the offending nose with it. 

This is what the problem was. This is why she sounded like we were torturing her with a hot poker as we ripped off the heads of all of her dollies whilst eating all the chocolate cake and ice cream in the world right in front of her without offering her any. After that, she went to sleep and I lay awake beside her. After half an hour, I crept out of her room and into my own bed, where I got about 3 hours uninterrupted sleep before she came barging in again and demanded milk, and tried to get into my bed again. I again refused. She needed to be tucked in. I brought more blankets and did her bidding. It went on like this for quite some time. I did not sleep that night, and the next day I had her all day, by myself. It was a hard, hard, HARD day. 

It's one thing when you have a baby and steel yourself for a few months, maybe even years of not sleeping properly or at all, but when it goes on into the preschool and school years, it really is hard. To be honest, though, we were lucky with our Pickle, she slept in her own bed when she turned six months, then she slept really well all throughout ages 1-3 really. So this is the first time since she was a wee one that she has had problems. But they have been going on for almost a year now, so it's getting a bit old.

Today is day 15. I have officially made it through two weeks of not drinking. I feel like celebrating! Let's have a glass of....sparkling apple juice? It's weird though, after this much time being sober, I really don't feel that nagging feeling of needing to drink every single day. I feel lighter, more awake (except for certain Child induced exhausted days) 

So I did have a glass of sparkling water tonight. And it was good. Wow. Half a month! Haven't done this in 4 years!