UK visit so far

 Our time in Bristol has been, so far, a total whirlwind. 

The first night we were in the UK we spent at a friend's house and we drank to his health and to a great many other things besides. The next day was excruciating. But we made it. Stocked up on most of our grocery needs, rolled into our village and then realised we had no key to get into our own house. After some high key panicking and emergency text messages sent around the village, we realised our neighbour had the key and thus we were saved.

The first week was a brutal heatwave, and we, like the rest of the country, were unprepared. We spent most of it inside, as it was almost too hot to venture outside our doors, and waded between states of being; pretty miserable, as no one could sleep - a double whammy of jet lag and the heat, grateful, as we slid into our beautifully air conditioned rental car to seek out and buy the last fans and blowup swimming pools available in the whole city, and trying to find excuses to stay in the local shop steps away from our house, which is tiny and deliciously cool. We were regularly fascinated by the frozen peas section that coincidentally happened to be right below the AC unit. 

Our new neighbours have a 3 and a 5 year old, and my daughter was instantly obsessed with them. They invited us over to their house which has a pool and a trampoline and my Pickle was in heaven. The issue at the moment is that everyone her age is still at school, which finishes a month after hers does in Canada, and so she doesn't have anyone, really, to play with on weekdays. This is hard for her, but we are finding our rhythm. 

We have seen and been out with so many lovely people so far and I am so grateful for each and every one of them. But oh my good God, it has been exhausting. My husband works from 2 - 10 pm so he can work Canadian hours, and the mornings it is both of us that take care of the Pickle - so puzzlingly, I seem to be on duty 24/7, and every single day I fight against the very, very, very strong and addictive pull of screens that has really got a grip on my daughter. In the first two weeks, really, it was a combination of screens and flailing around to try and find people and events and playgrounds and swimming places for me to occupy her with. 

Last weekend, everything snapped for me. I had been with her at a pub, and I had arranged a playdate with a friend's daughter and hoped that I could have a chat with her mother. Unfortunately, Pippa was at her absolute limit and so was I. Before I actually burst into floods of tears, I made my hasty excuses and dragged her out the door and walked home, feeling utterly defeated, ashamed, embarrased, and a total failure as a mother and as a friend. 

I am struggling. Every day is a series of holding it together, but, by myself. My husband is doing so much, he's trying to find the energy to renovate the house whilst working in the afternoon and evening, and I am trying to do it all as a mother, essentially a single mother. 

This Saturday, I took the Pickle to an outdoor kids festival. It was totally marvelous and had everything a 6 year old could wish for, Giant Paw Patrol dogs giving hugs, bubble magic, a magician show, a circus tent with amazing stunts, a singalong, bumper cars, balloon animals making, a slip and slide, a bouncy castle, hot dogs, a carousel, face painting - you know the type of thing - all in a small venue outside that was HOT. Pickle was okay until the first hour had passed. And then she just started having meltdown after meltdown. I don't actually know what triggered them, I usually have an idea but this time I was just out of ideas. Maybe the heat. Maybe the fact that her friends that came with her weren't particularly interested in her as much as she wanted them to. Maybe she was just plain tired. I was, as I always am, completely calm and steady and patient and tried to find what it was that was wrong and tried to help. She needed space at one point, so I took her to the cirucs and she loved that. She got to go on stage and it was perfect. But then after that it just didn't seem to stop. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to get wet on the slip and slide. She just cried and cried and said "I want to go hooooooome" so eventually we did. Again, making our hasty excuses and exit. My friend was having similar issues with one of her kids and so she totally understood, for which I was so grateful. 

As I was driving home, I started to feel flu like symptoms - you know the type, where all of your nerve endings delicate and your body feels shaky and achy. I got home, told my husband that I was going to lie down, and then almost immediately started having heart pains. This lasted for around an hour on and off. I know I should have gotten it checked out, but by this time my husband had mercifully taken Pickle for a road trip up to Wales for the night. I lay in my bed for 24 hours doing little other than getting some food once in a while and going to the bathroom. I slept very deeply, and gratefully, and by myself for the first time in longer than I can remember. Every night Pickle needs me to sleep with her still, and every night she wakes me up by kicking or pushing her feet into me, or just simply whacking me in the face - and claiming it's all while she is "asleep" Hmm. Not so sure about that. Point is, I never ever get a full night's sleep. And if I do, she will wake up at 4 or 5 with her mattress acrobatics, just for good measure, and then nobody sleeps after that. 

When they got back, Pickle was so tired she couldn't keep her eyes open, and today she mainly just lay down with me and didn't do a lot. I have been dragging her here there and everywhere during this trip, trying to make things for her to do whilst seeing as many people as I can, and it's been lovely and it is filling my heart up, but I absolutely feel like I overdid it, for both of us. 

I did a little Chat GPTing the symptoms, and it seems that stress, anxiety and constant care giving without any sort of break can produce the kind of symptoms I was having. I still feel a little delicate but I will survive! I wonder if every mum/primary caregiver feels this way during the summer, or just all the time? I feel like I always wonder if this is an adhd/anxiety/asd thing, or is it just every child?? 

Thanks for reading x